is this......farewell?

dear God

it's about time since i last prayed to you...two nights in fact. i don't know what's wrong with me, i'm always on the verge of failing. i know that failing is part of the learning process, but i guess i should speak up on this issue before it's too late, to tell you how important this is to me and i really need your help for this one.

i just screwed up my physics paper today and it means i have only one chance left to get promoted---to do well in the rest of the papers. i cannot afford to fail any single paper more or it's over. i have to say it's over because i don't want it to be, i don't want to get retained or be asked to leave. CJC means a lot to me, it's the place where i have learnt most about you and so much more about life. it is in this place where i have experienced true love, the real meaning of friendships, the purpose of my life. whether by learning things the hard way or the easy way, i have progressed in some way or another. all with your help, God.

i can't imagine how much i'd lose if something like that happened to me, i'd lose all my friends, all my confidence and all my support. i don't know how i'd take it. i love everything you have given to me, be it the hardships, the scoldings, the emotions, the people around me, i thank you for each and every single one of them. without them, i wouldn't have realised who i really was. maybe sometimes things don't go my way, i know, but i just can't afford to let this go. i won't be able to face the world or to face myself.

God, in this crucial period of time where i fight, and keep pushing myself, over the limits, to my greatest ability, please give me the guidance, the focus, the directions and the energy and support i need to overcome whatever is in the way. please give me the spirit to fight to the end and do well in the remaining subjects. i have no room for errors this time. God, help me to pull through this tough time, where i really need you the most. and instill in me and those around me the same motivation to give it their all. we really need you now, God. and badly.

whatever the outcome may be, despite how hard we might have worked after that, i know it's all for our good. help us to understand that. i never would have imagined that such a simple thing like the promotional exams could actually mean so much to me. i realised that it meant my connection to the things that are so much more precious than just anything else in this world, things that i can hold on to for life. things that make me who i am today. i would be lost if this connection was to be broken. show me the way, God, and prove to me that miracles actually do exist, that things can be turned around. the same for my friends, my enemies, those i care for and those who do not know me as well. we have to make it through together.



......i don't know if it's too late, God. but i hope it really isn't.



Amen.