a new beginning

"i wanna have the same last dream again, the one where i wake up and i'm alive"--'the adventure' by Angels and Airwaves

sigh. finally something in my life worth writing about. or starting to write about, for that matter. i finally figured there should be some output of what i'm going through. life can be as shitty or as happy as you want it to be, people say. yeah, easier said than done.

"i never thought i'd die alone, i laughed the loudest who'd have known. i traced the cord back to the wall, no wonder it was never plugged in at all. i took my time, i hurried up. the choice was mine i didn't think enough. i'm too depressed to go on, you'll be sorry when i'm gone." --'adam's song' by Blink-182

i love to quote music. music alters my mood almost completely.

it helps me to think back on what i've done. it's true we shouldn't use the past as milestones for our future, but by looking back, we learn. how? you'll find out. speaking of you, this world is just so self-centered. you, you and YOU. ultimately who in the end is gonna face everything? who is gonna be responsible for what happened? who will take blames, compliments, accusations and insults? that's right, it's all you. you say, 'my friend helped me do this, my friend helped me do that.' but in the end who makes the decision? YOU.

there will be no one else to blame other than yourself. why? cos others don't make decisions for you. only two people will create your final answer: God and yourself. think about it.

and i also don't understand why people compare to their pasts. you walk up to anyone and ask them a simple question:"why did you do this/that?" MOST of the time, the answer will be "because of this/that". get my drift? sounding familiar now?

the point is they claim they don't look at the past and they tell you their decision is influenced by past events later. contradictory, isn't it? imagine if everyone just had such a wonderful optimistic outlook they tell you "oh i decided to do this IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE this/that". take some time to think about my explanation. it will make sense, i assure you.

unfortunately someone like me who leads such a dark life full of misunderstandings, doubts, hatred, heartbreak and depression doesn't know how to look at the bright side of life. more of this to come in the ensuing years, that is if i even have the time for my diary entries.

now it's time for me to start life again. i know that God will forever be walking beside me, and i have nothing to fear. i hope i will slowly be able to cope with more problems thrown at me, while at the same time helping others walk the same path too. if such small little things on earth and the mortal world could bring so much happiness what would heaven be like? it's just unimaginable. you don't even have a track to construct your train of thought. it just doesn't start anywhere. if it does then people would be living in a RELATIVE world, comparing their lives to what they ANTICIPATE and PREDICT to see in heaven. so a message goes out to such people who just can't WAIT to experience heaven:why don't you asses just get on with life, and when it's your turn you'll know? no point trying to jump off a roof and kill yourself to see God. as long as it's not your time and you're not stupid enough to put yourself on a noose, it's not gonna happen. it's NOT. fate is everything. you understand fate. you understand what happens next. you won't complain. or whine.

being a strong believer of fate, i do realise that there is no such thing as 'trying too hard'. fate will decide that you make up your mind to pursue your plan, and if it doesn;t work, fate says so. if it does, same thing. so let me leave you with a suggestion of mine. you are in control of your mindset. if you see this world as fucked up, it will appear so. every minor detail will seem so. however, if you decide to find happiness in anything, even taking out the trash will seem fun. seriously. so it's really up to you. have a nice day. out.