there's something about you

i shall start this post by talking about a rather unavoidable issue in the life of college. many people have either been through, are going to go through, want to go through, or are already in it. yes, it is the love life of us teenagers around this passage of life. the thoughts of it, the experiences and the feelings gone through in this period virtually cannot be avoided, but nonetheless it is still a very natural issue. almost anyone and everyone can fall in love, but the real issue is, is this really love? the word 'love' has many meanings to people, and varies with personalities. much controversy has been discussed over the real or general meaning of this word, but i won't touch on that. it's far beyond my capabilities and mental maturity.

that is also why many relationships fail at this age--due to the concerns of mental maturity. many of them are doing this, but they don't know why. what is your reason for having such relationships? to get a feel of what love is like? oh no you will be so wrong cos love can't actually be 'seen', felt or defined at such an age where the mind is just not strong and mature enough. although you may get glimpses of it, people rarely get the full picture.

i myself have been involved in such cases recently, and none worked. so i guess the point God was trying to make was that it wasn't my time yet. i'm not really sure either, but i'm not exactly wholehearted on the whole relationship thing. i have sort of lost a bit of interest already, and i don't know when i will be up to try again. it could be tomorrow, next month, next year, 5 years later, when i'm 40? who knows? only God does. but i'm sure whatever i have to go through, there will be a learning point for me. problems are thrown at you so you learn. it is through problems in which you get closer to God, and that's what has happened to me. God has His purposes for you presented in the forms of problems and difficulties you go through. He said that he does have eternal rewards for you, but He didn't say that there won't be any hardship and difficulty before them. so the key is to keep God in the center of your heart and strive on, while resisting temptation.

i'd like to go into temptation now. many people can get into relationships cos either their partners are attractive and their motive is just to show them off, cos they fantasize too much or if they can't get what they want they start to lust. remember that lust is one of the seven deadly sins and will get you into something much worse. the other reasons are just plain results of the not-yet-matured-mind. if i even finding that college life love is hard to understand, what about secondary school? i can't imagine.

whatever it is, i would just like to say that although i have been through really hard times (stuff i have never ran into before), i have still managed to pull through and thank God for giving me those times. why? cos it was through those periods where i also learnt the most. in terms of values and trust. there is always the sun after the rain, and the sun shines ever so brightly only after pouring. so if you make it through, there is always something worth persevering for on the end. and i realised (through God) that i can never handle such matters on my own without His help. i may have been weak in my emotions before, but after some strengthening i am back on my feet. and i have Him to thank.

i can prove this point by a particular incident. my last break-up was one of the worst i have ever experienced, and it took me 3 months to get over it. although it only lasted about 2 weeks, 3 whole months was spent in doubt, depression and sorrow. i brought it with me all the way to china, where home wasn't really home and world outside was harsh and threatening to alter my thoughts for the worst. well apparently every night when everyone was sleeping, i took the opportunity to stand in the tiny balcony in the cold wind and look out at the static, lifeless night and talk to God. i would tell Him i needed Him, tell Him i was losing my mind and told Him to give me the determination, courage and guidance to stand up again. i told Him to help me to get over my feelings as fast as possible. i prayed to Him every night. and after about 3 nights i woke up one morning feeling new again. it was miraculous. God had taken away the feeling from my heart and into oblivion. He had saved me. i was wordless. imagine trying so hard to do something to no avail for 3 whole consecutive months and after praying for it get it fulfilled within a few days! the power of God is that strong.

today, i have no idea how i can describe my personal outlook to such relationships. but the closest i can get is probably 'single and available but wanting not to be'. in other words, i will only take on relationships that are worth my effort, time and heart, and not those in which are done out of the sake of doing it or for no reason at all. people get into relationships with the view of getting married later on, and i think 17 is hardly the time to do so. but when and if i do it, i will put in my best effort. and i will stop deceiving myself that it is alright to have such relationships. and i will stop being so naive.

thank you, God.

(*another comment:i'm not a person who judges people by the looks. i don't go about telling my friends this girl is hot and stuff like that, cos my definition of pretty has gone further than looks. to me, looks are always second and a bonus. my first criteria would be the character, and usually if the character is fulfilled i don't really care much about the looks. for those of you extremists, don't start by telling me 'what if'. i'm sick of hearing worst-case-scenarios and stuff like that cos no matter what happens i'm sure God has something in store for me and it's good. so you can carry on your ranting to fall on deaf ears cos you will never alter my thinking. i will continue to judge others by their characters. it's the heart that counts. and no, i don't check people out. if God has someone meant for me, i will get there somehow. in the meantime, i just live my life how i like it and to fulfill His purposes for me. the greatest people around aren't those who look extremely 'hot' or 'sexy'. they are those who have a heart. they are those who know what they are doing and do it well and with passion. they are those who would rather give than receive. in other words, they are those who do what they were put on earth to do. with the heart.)