rough landing

"we'll be miles apart, i'll keep you deep inside you're always in my heart"--miles apart, Yellowcard

in about a day's time i'll be leaving for china. again. this is not my first time, it is not going to be a short period, and it's NOT going to be a holiday. it will be full of these instead:

-extremely hot weather (above 30 degrees)
-non-stop studying everyday
-homesickness
-washing the dishes
-alone in my small, small, small world

i'm prepared for the worst anyway. studying in a foreign country all by myself, with no one to look for when i have problems. i won't be able to call my dear friends, so i have to keep everything to myself. oh well. can't believe if i explode there. i won't be too surprised either.

so off i am packing nothing into my luggage other than my clothing (mostly home clothing cos i won't be going out much), my TYS, tons of blank lined paper, lots of stationery, my mp3 player, and a pair of portable speakers so that any irritation can be quickly put off. if only i could bring my guitar so that i can relief my stress. other than that i don't think i'm willing to sing along cos my sis will probably make fun of it. that's about all, i think everything should be able to be forced into my crumpler. it's that little. unless you consider the toiletries as something.

i'm lucky i recorded almost every lecture on my player so in case i missed out on anything i'll be able to catch up. if anyone wants those files i can probably send them over, but only if i get to use my dad's notebook, that is. and even then my sis will be watching every single thing i'm typing. see what i mean? it's worse than a prison cell.

knowing i have no contact with the outside world, it's quite human to miss everyone. especially since it's two weeks. imagine this: two weeks of studying in four walls with no television, no mobile(at least one that allows you to contact your friends), round-the-clock surveillance of what you do(even what you say to people), not being able to get rid of the stress inside you and having to repeat this vicious cycle over and over and over again.

i want to touch on fate now. yes. FATE. you'll never know what might happen next to you, even in a matter of seconds. one day you might just be on your way to school and some guy who just happens to forget his car servicing date loses control of his vehicle and the next instant you find yourself infront of God himself. not a word spoken, you didn't even get to say goodbye to those who made great influences in your life, or cared about you in any way or the other. i'm not trying to be sort of pessimistic here cos the fact is that even if it's not your time to go, even a pile of bricks landing on you from 20 storeys high would not kill you. a miracle would save you, even if the chances are possibly 0.00001%. even then there is a chance, see? shows like Final Destination are rubbish though. you'll never be able to predict how on earth you'll die. and what matters most in all these films is whether these people actually go to heaven when they die. i predict so, cos it seems they are decent young people who didn't actually commit anything serious enough to cost them their lives. cos even killers on earth are forgiven. and i don't think living a high school life like theirs would even be anywhere close.

dying will never be a bad thing as long as you have God right in the middle of you (i.e. your heart). on earth, dying in the scientific terms is just the stoppage of your heart/brain, where your body just stops living and starts decomposing. however, in terms of your spiritual self, it is not the end of you. sure, it is the end of your body. but the end of your soul and spirit? no. and even then when you get to spend eternity with God himself, dying seems quite positive. after all if heaven is going to be paradise and living on earth is enough to bring you many joys, what have you to lose? if earth seems wonderful enough, heaven will be overwhelmed with such joys.

being me, i guess the next best thing i could do now is to start treasuring everyone around me. before i regret to do so. i plan to live my life with no regrets. when i do something, i do it wholeheartedly and i don't look back or try to take back my words. who knows, the next instant after i leave the study room to get my stuff packed and the gas stove ignites, or the flight i take blows up into a million pieces from fuel leakage, at least i won't go regretting i didn't type in this entry in the first place. God decides when you leave earth, even down to the correct second. the only thing is i don't know what that time is, and i never will. if everyone knew, there'll be even much more paranoia and chaos among His people. He doesn't want that. so make the most of what you're given. you might not ever be able to greet your teacher in school, go for detention classes, hang out with your friends even for one more day although you plead your life with it, or simply even take another bath.

i'm not trying to type my will here cos i don't have a significant amount of money to start with. what i'm trying to give though, is the will of all my thoughts and feelings. things i have always wanted to say. things i won't regret saying, and things that people will remember me for.

mum and dad:thanks for giving me the chance of having what i have, for supporting me in my decisions, for guiding me with the right values since i was born, for taking care of me, for fulfilling the role of parents to the fullest. for your selflessness, the effort put in in raising me, for helping me to lead a normal life. for the acceptance of what i do, and the tolerance of all my mistakes. for giving me one of the best homes i could have on earth. thank you both. I LOVE YOU!

my relatives:i thank all of them for being able to talk to, for being friendly and approachable, for bringing the many generations of families together as one during gatherings, and just from your presence, it makes me feel lucky knowing i have so many warm relatives.

my friends(yvonne, sean, tarun, dinesh, xiang yang, stanley, carys, clara, marcus, cliff, qian yi, ting wei, nathan, joel, gaelan, darren, jackie, marcel, jonathan, duane, mr. jiang, natasha, marvin, sherilyn, jiaqi): life is nothing without friends. i thank God for all of you, and i appreciate having such friends. i know every single one of you care about me, and i will never forget the times when you were around and just made my life so much easier. i intend to go through life even further with you guys, and at the end of the day i'll want to sit down with each and every one of you and we'll see how far we've gone as friends. we'll see through each others' imperfections as it's not about having the perfect friend. to me, there is no such thing as one best friend or only one friend you can trust more than the rest. all of you are my best friends, and i accept every one of you for who you are. all of you deserve appreciation for what you all have done, no matter how small or large. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

there are a few people who deserve some special mention (otherwise for the rest just look at my earlier posts for your individual tributes):

-YVONNE-
AHH, WHAT COULD BE MORE SATISFYING THAN GOING THROUGH LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO THE DESIGNER OF IT ALL? THANK YOU YVONNE FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE, WHICH IS CONSIDERED MORE THAN I HAVE SEEN SINCE WE ONLY KNOW EACH OTHER FOR 3 MONTHS. IN FACT, THE FARTHEST A FRIEND HAS EVER GONE FOR ME. I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE IF YOU WEREN'T AROUND, TO ALWAYS WATCH OUT FOR ME AND PASSING ON TO ME THE WORDS OF THE CREATOR HIMSELF, SO THAT I WILL LEARN HOW TO MANAGE MY LIFE EVEN THOUGH I MAY BE ON MY OWN AT TIMES. FOR UNDERSTANDING SO MUCH ABOUT ME AND HOW I FEEL, AND TRYING TO CHEER ME UP EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE UPSET YOURSELF. SO MANY SACRIFICES! I AM REALLY GRATEFUL TO GOD FOR YOU, FOR BEING THE FIRST ONE TO SAY HI WHEN WE WERE IN CLASSES. IT IS NO DOUBT THAT GOD HAS PUT EVERY SINGLE POSSIBILITY, BE IT THE SCHOOL, THE TIME AND ALL THE WAY DOWN OUT OF 900 PEOPLE AND 36 CLASSES FOR US TO BE IN THE SAME CLASS. IT SURE MEANS THAT HE WANTS YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR ME! AND THAT IS THE EXACT THING YOU HAVE DONE. YOU HAVE FULFILLED HIS TASK JUST BY BEING HERE FOR ME! THANK YOU!

-MARCUS-
LIKE YVONNE, IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE, BUT A PLAN OF GOD TO PUT YOU IN THE SAME CLASS AS ME. BEING FROM THE SAME PRIMARY SCHOOL CLASS, I AM WORDLESS TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE GONE SO FAR AS WELL. BEING IN THE SAME 'CLICK' IN PRIMARY THREE AND FOREVER AMUSING US WITH YOUR ANTICS, IT IS SUCH A JOY TO HAVE YOU AS A FRIEND AGAIN. IT LOOKS LIKE THE FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS AND THE DEBATES HAVE NOT GONE AWAY SINCE THEN. GOOD WORK, IT'S NO SURPRISE YOU MANAGED TO MAKE IT SO FAR. I'M GLAD THAT I GET TO SEE SOMEONE AGAIN AFTER SUCH A LONG TIME OF 7 YEARS, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO KNOWS JUST ABOUT ANYTHING IN LIFE.

-NATHAN-
I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME SOMEONE WHOM I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CALL AT 1AM IN THE MORNING AND STILL GET ONE OF THE BEST ADVICES I COULD GET. THANKS FOR THE COUNSELLING, AND FOR GOING THROUGH 2 YEARS OF OUR LIVES. ALTHOUGH WE SELDOM SEE EACH OTHER IN SCHOOL, IT WAS REALLY FUN JUST HANGING OUT WITH YOU DURING THE TWO YEARS WE'VE HAD (SOON TO BE 3 YEARS!) AND FOR THE JOKES YOU'VE CRACKED. SEE YOU AROUND, MAN!


-JOEL-
MY GOOD TUITION BUDDY FOR 3 YEARS ALREADY! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENJOYABLE COMPANY AND ALWAYS ACTING BLUR, PUTTING A SMILE ON EVERYONE'S FACES! FOR NEVER GETTING ANGRY AT ANYTHING, AND ALWAYS HAVING TRICKS UP YOUR SLEEVE! IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU AROUND. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR STUDIES AND WE'LL CATCH UP ONE DAY WITH AN OUTING!

-MR. JIANG-
IT'S EXTREMELY RARE THAT A TUITION TEACHER CAN BE THIS CLOSE, I REGARD YOU AS A A FRIEND. IT'S NOT EVERY LESSON WHERE WE GET TO SHARE OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS, GO FOR A WALK ALONG THE BEACH AT NIGHT WITH A FEW DRINKS, BREAKING THE MOPS OF YOUR NEIGHBOURS, BLOWING A HOLE IN YOUR ESTATE'S TILED ROOF AND BRINGING IN THE COPS, HAVING ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE OUTINGS AT SENTOSA, PRANK CALLING PEOPLE, WALKING ENTIRE ROUNDS OF NUS IN THE DARKEST OF PLACES, GOING FOR KARAOKE SESSIONS AT KBOX, PLAYING LAN GAMES AT 1AM ON VALENTINE'S DAY, WATCHING MI:3 AT MIDNIGHT, AND MAKING STUDYING SEEM SO MUCH FUN. ONLY WITH YOUR HELP I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO GET WHERE I AM TODAY. THANK YOU!

-NATASHA-
MY BELOVED IG LEADER! ONE OF THE MOST SPONTANEOUS PEOPLE I HAVE EVER SEEN, FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST! YOU'RE A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW TO DO SO, AND BEING YOUR WHAT I THOUGHT OF 'CRAZY' SELF ISN'T CRAZY ANYMORE. IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU'RE SO OPTIMISTIC AND HAPPY ABOUT EVERYDAY LIFE. AND THANKS FOR LISTENING TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!

-SHERILYN-
THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE SO SIGNIFICANT AT THIS POINT OF TIME, AND ACCEPTING ME AS A FRIEND DESPITE WHAT I HAVE DONE, BE IT RETARDED, UPSETTING, STRESSFUL, BORING, OR JUST PLAIN STUPID. I HOPE WE'LL KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER THAN BEFORE, LIKE HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. I HOPE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE THROUGH MY IMPERFECTIONS AS WELL, LIKE HOW I SEE THROUGH OTHERS'. I'D NEVER KNOW THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE TO LIFE IF I DIDN'T MEET YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SMILE AND YOUR LAUGH! I'LL ALWAYS THANK GOD FOR HAVING YOU. I LOVE YOU!

-JIAQI-
WELL, I CAN ONLY SAY THAT I WON'T LEAVE EARTH NOT KNOWING THE MEANING OF 'FORGIVE AND FORGET', AND I GUESS IT IS ESSENTIAL TO KNOW THE MEANING AT THIS POINT OF TIME AND APPLY IT.