lost inside

came back from day-long tuition today..had a nice long walk back from serangoon station to my place. i've always been looking forward to these walks. with nothing on the streets, hardly any people, any cars, just the static life. the traffic lights are silent, the light posts cast warm orange lights onto the streets below, leaving perfect uniform gaps of darkness in-between so i walk in and out of them. with nothing on me except my trusty ipod and my noise-isolating earphones. in my own small world, shutting off everything around me. my playlist would mostly be emo. some examples would be the likes of michelle branch, kelly clarkson, lostprophets, boxcar racer, blink-182, the calling, good charlotte, nickleback and yellowcard. it really depends on what happened during the day ; if i had a wonderful day i'll play some nice music which fades to dark ones, and if i had a bad day i'll start with dark and slowly pick up in moods. but i still emerge satisfied from all of them cos they don't really change my personality.

the instant i got home, snoopy could sense the amount of trouble in my eyes. he sat on the bed, looked at me with the 'everything's gonna be alright' look. i understood what he meant. later on when i went out into the living room he came out and gave me the same look. i guess dogs can really sense what's in you, even though they are not human. i'm really thankful my dogs can relate to me.

i have sorta lost most of my output of stress as my guitar strings have rusted beyond recognition. they sound really awful. even when i'm emo. these are the worse strings i have bought, and i will never buy them again. i can only play on weekends now as well, having such a busy schedule.

many a time we face many troubles all closing in on you at once. many of them are battles within yorself. it is after all, no surprise. it is during these years where you embark on the road to self-discovery. some of you might ask, what is self discovery? well, let me first begin by explaining the different areas of yourself. you have areas of you in which are either discovered by you, have not been discovered, or are only discoverable by those around you. in the road to self discovery, obviously only the last two apply. in this road, facing problems and running into trouble are things that will happen. they are essential. because in every problem, there is an opportunity to grow stronger. if you realise it, every failure is a step to success. God has made it this way. no problem is ever bad because there is a learning point.

for me, it's mostly the part about myself. having fewer people to take advice from, i can therefore see this as a chance to grow more independent, not a situation in which i feel that everyone doesn't like me and the world is against me. see? there is something to look forward to in each case 'problem' presented to you. ask me if you want. what i can tell each and every one of you out there is, there is no such thing as a difficulty with no 'good' way out. i can assure you that. infact, to prove that i am serious, i'll give you ten bucks if you can tell me something in which you stand to gain nothing from in attempting to solve it. i'll gladly ready them.

i have known much of myself although i'm still far away from complete discovery. i can name a few of my talents, how i react to situations, how my feelings come about and how i relate to people. i know i'm really emotional, and that combines with my talent for guitar to produce music i have never known i'm capable of playing. my guitar sounds the best when i'm feeling down or happy, not when i'm neutral or numb. i know that i want to do something in the music or automobile industry next time. i know that i can talk alot about life and similar, going on and on. i know i'm a simple person, in both my dressing and my personality. i don't like complications. i know i'm sarcastic. i know i prefer the natural world to the urban. there are so many things that i know, and sure of, myself. everyone is different, but i'm sure all of them know at least what they are capable of.

'hopefully one day you'll see how much you mean to me. i love you. yes, i do. but will you see that? i can only pray and hope for the best that my intentions will be realised, and i hope that maybe, one day, we'll have a shot. outside, the world is difficult, but you have given beauty a new meaning. will you accept me for who i am? i know that i do for you.'